The past year

This past year has been on my mind a lot lately. It was a crazy draining year. So much happened. Some good but a lot bad. The thing that I think about the most is finding out about Ethan's Down syndrome. I had already had a very rough few weeks. I won't go in to detail but I lost my very dear friend. The one person who really understood how I felt deep down. To make a long story short, we got into a very big fight and I didn't give her the space that she needed. I miss her dearly so finding out about Ethan having Down syndrome was just the iceing on the cake. It started out what would be a downward spiral for me. I will never forget the day that I got the phone call. "we got the results of your amnio and unfortunaly your baby has Down syndrome. Any questions?" I felt like my baby had just been given a death sentance. Here I was 18 weeks pregnant, and just starting to feel the baby move and I was being offered the chance to terminate my pregnancy. I have never been one for abortion but I won't lie when I say the thought crossed my mind. I was not even ready for another child and then to find out that he wasn't going to be born "normal" How was I supposed to handle that. How would I raise my other children so that this baby would not be a burden to them. Why was this even happening to me? I spent the next few months feeling sorry for myself. I read what I could without worring myself too much. I spent a lot of time crying and wishing I could redo some things from the past. I had a hard time sleeping and just feeling happy. I was depressed. The day before my scheduled c-section I had the cry of my life. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to love this baby. Worried that I wouldn't want to hold him and worried that I would feel detached from him like I had been during my pregnancy. I had my c-section and the instant I saw my beautiful boy my life changed again. This time for the better. Ethan is now 5 months old and has brought me more joy than I can even express with words. I look at that little boy and I cry because he has changed me. He has made me a better person. Whenever I am feeling sad, I just look at that little boy and my heart melts and I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Sure my life is a lot busier with therapies and doctor appointments but my life is also more fulfilled having Ethan as a son. Never in my life have I felt so much. I was numbed. Ethan came along and opened me up again. He helped me to feel again. That is a lot for a boy who is only 5 months old. Anyway, I am so happy and I wish that I could pound it in to parents getting a Down syndrome diagnosis that everything will be okay. Well I guess that is enough gushing for me. I need to go kiss my little boy.