My letter to God

Okay, I am going to get a little personal here. I was reading through a journal that I had and I discovered a letter that I wrote to God after Ethan was born. It was written in January 15, 2007

Dear God,
There are so many things that have been weighing heavily on my heart lately. First off, I want to ask for your forgiveness on losing my faith. When I first found out that my little boy was going to be born with Down syndrome I was mad at you. I thought I was being punished. It just wasn't fair. I was only 25 years old and was not even ready for a third child, let alone a child that was going to have special needs. I spent most of my pregnancy sad a depressed. I had to grieve the loss of my "normal" child. I was not so sure I could accept anything less. I was worried about how I would feel towards this child. Would I be able to love him? It was so hard to put on a happy face when deep down I was hurting so bad. Nobody understood exactly how I was feeling because I wouldn't talk about it. Some people understood that I felt sad here and there but deep down I was terrified. I was the most scared I have ever been in my life. I am so sorry God that instead of turning towards you for comfort, I turned away. I guess my pregnancy would have been a lot easier had I not lost my faith in you. Now Ethan is here and I can't believe that I ever even questioned you. He is amazing and perfect. I never thought that I could feel this way towards him. I am so head over heels in love with this child that it hurts. I stare into his beautiful blue eyes and I can't imagine my life without him. Thank you so much for putting him in my life and for showing me that it is possible to love something I didn't think I wanted. I wouldn't trade this child in for anything. He is so sweet and handsome. I may not know what the future holds for my little boy but I do know that I am putting it all in your hands. You have blessed me in ways I never imagined that you could. Thank you so much for Ethan's health and thank you so much for Ethan. I pray that you continue to keep him strong and healthy and thank you, thank you, thank you, for entrusting me to be his mommy. It means so much to me to know that I was chosen to be the parent of one of your very special children.

Love always,
Amanda