My letter to God

Okay, I am going to get a little personal here. I was reading through a journal that I had and I discovered a letter that I wrote to God after Ethan was born. It was written in January 15, 2007

Dear God,
There are so many things that have been weighing heavily on my heart lately. First off, I want to ask for your forgiveness on losing my faith. When I first found out that my little boy was going to be born with Down syndrome I was mad at you. I thought I was being punished. It just wasn't fair. I was only 25 years old and was not even ready for a third child, let alone a child that was going to have special needs. I spent most of my pregnancy sad a depressed. I had to grieve the loss of my "normal" child. I was not so sure I could accept anything less. I was worried about how I would feel towards this child. Would I be able to love him? It was so hard to put on a happy face when deep down I was hurting so bad. Nobody understood exactly how I was feeling because I wouldn't talk about it. Some people understood that I felt sad here and there but deep down I was terrified. I was the most scared I have ever been in my life. I am so sorry God that instead of turning towards you for comfort, I turned away. I guess my pregnancy would have been a lot easier had I not lost my faith in you. Now Ethan is here and I can't believe that I ever even questioned you. He is amazing and perfect. I never thought that I could feel this way towards him. I am so head over heels in love with this child that it hurts. I stare into his beautiful blue eyes and I can't imagine my life without him. Thank you so much for putting him in my life and for showing me that it is possible to love something I didn't think I wanted. I wouldn't trade this child in for anything. He is so sweet and handsome. I may not know what the future holds for my little boy but I do know that I am putting it all in your hands. You have blessed me in ways I never imagined that you could. Thank you so much for Ethan's health and thank you so much for Ethan. I pray that you continue to keep him strong and healthy and thank you, thank you, thank you, for entrusting me to be his mommy. It means so much to me to know that I was chosen to be the parent of one of your very special children.

Love always,
Amanda

Almost 6 months!

I can't believe Ethan is almost 6 months old. Time has gone by so fast. It feels like just yesterday that I was crying my eyes out after getting the diagnosis. What a different person I am today. If only I had known that my life would be filled with such joy and happiness. That little boy continues to amaze me everyday.




On a much different note our friend Ayla, Who also had Down syndrome, had to have surgery. Please keep her in your prayers for a speedy recovery. Ayla is seven months old and had to have surgery to repair a hernia in her diaphragm that her stomach was pushing up through. Her mom reports that she is out of surgery and doing well.

Only 2 days until we leave for vacation!!!

Third times a charm right?

So today I wanted to buy something special for a little E-man so I walked around Target for a while and decided on a Baby Einstein exersaucer. I brought it home to put together and as I was taking it out of the box I noticed that something just wasn't right. First of all there were no instructions. Then as I was looking at the pieces I noticed that there was pet hair all over them. It took me a few minutes longer to realize that all of the little pieces were in Ziploc baggies. I mean really? Someone actually used this and then returned it to the store. Okay so I went back to Target to exchange it for an unused one. I bring that one home and as I am taking it out of the box I am starting to smell a musty smell. Then I notice that the fabric on the seat is covered in MILDEW! By this time I am starting to get a little aggravated but I decided that I could just wash the seat because I did NOT want to make another trip to the store. I get about halfway through it and realize that they had given me 4 of the same pieces. The arch things would not lock together. Now I am REALLY aggravated. I wanted to cry. I had to take the stupid thing apart again. I packed up my three very crabby children and went back to the store. You think that I should have just given up at that point and gotten my money back. I decided to try one more time. Luckily this one was unused, free of mildew and had all the right parts. I put it together for him and he really enjoyed it. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try things just won't go my way. GRRRR!

cuteness

This video just makes my day. My little boy is very ticklish

My mom has my oldest son today and I am just amazed at what a different child Emma is without her older brother here to pick on her. Normally all she does is scream and today not one scream has come out of her mouth. I took a few pictures of her being all cute.

Now I have to figure out what to do with that hair.

and finally a rediscoverd video of my son

Guilt

Ethan started playing the cutest game yesterday. For a few days I would open and close my mouth and say ma ma ma ma ma ma to him. Last night I was holding him and all of a sudden he started opening and closing his mouth and saying ma ma ma ma ma. Now it has become a game between us. He will stare at me and I will do it and then he gets the biggest grin on his face and repeats me. Sometimes he will even initiate it. He will stare at me until I look down at him and then he will start ma ma ma ma ma until I repeat him. He gets so proud of himself. His whole face lights up. He is so sweet. I know he is not actually saying ma ma but it is close enough for me.

The countdown has begun....only 9 days left until Myrtle beach!!!! I can't wait!

Dax and Emma are doing well. They drive me crazy sometimes because all they do is pester one another. I can't believe I am going to spend 16 hours in the car with them. I must be nuts! Emma is talking sooooo much now. She repeats things about 5 times back to you. She also learned her colors. She still mixes up yellow and orange but oh well, she will get it soon enough.

Sometime I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with Dax and Emma. I stay at home with them all day long so you wonder why I would feel this way. I just always feel like I am trying to get something done like cleaning or taking care of Ethan. Then when I do get a free second I try to shower or check my e-mail. That always seems to be the time when my kids want to play with me. Since it feels like the only few minutes I have to myself, I usually brush them off. I want to be able to spend quality time with them. I want them to remember me playing games with them and tickling them. I don't know how to do that though. It just feels like there is not enough time in the day. And another thing, as much time as I spend trying to keep the house clean, it only takes a matter of minutes to mess it back up. I feel like I can't get ahead. I told myself that I was going to play outside more with my kids. It is so hard. I think okay, let me just finish this one thing and that thing turns into another and by the time I am done with that it is time to feed Ethan again. I love staying at home with my kids but it is a hard job! Anyway, I am going to try a lot harder to spend some quality time with my babies.

Well, I think I have done enough venting for tonight. I will write again another time.

Life is a puzzle

Did you ever think about the way things work out? Have you ever wished for something and you got it but in a way you didn't expect? That is exactly the way things worked out with my little Ethan. I had wished for a way since my oldest son was born that I could be a stay at home mom. Due to finances I was never able to do this. And then Ethan came along and I was able to get my wish. Now I never thought that I would be the mom to a special needs child but everything has fit together so perfectly that it just feels right. First of all, shortly after I got the Down syndrome diagnosis, I got put on medical leave. While at the time I certainly did not wish for a child with Down syndrome, I did get my wish to stay home. Then after my 3 month maternity leave was up I was heartbroken to have to go back to work, only to find out that my position had not been held for me. So of course I was worried about finances when what shows up in our mailbox but a check for Ethan from social security. I also prayed that there was some way that my grandma, whom I am very close with could live closer to me. It was proving very difficult to find a job for her when I found out that Ethan qualifies for respite care. So my grandma is coming the beginning of July to work with him. Now she can be closer to all of her family and get the income that she needs to live off of. Also, today I picked up our zoo membership that Ethan got a scholarship for. Now I can take my kids to the zoo as much as I want. Something I could not afford to do before. I swear Ethan has opened up a whole new world to me. I have made so many great new friends but most importantly I have learned that life is like building an upside down puzzle. We don't know why the pieces fit together but when we flip it over we see the big picture.

The past year

This past year has been on my mind a lot lately. It was a crazy draining year. So much happened. Some good but a lot bad. The thing that I think about the most is finding out about Ethan's Down syndrome. I had already had a very rough few weeks. I won't go in to detail but I lost my very dear friend. The one person who really understood how I felt deep down. To make a long story short, we got into a very big fight and I didn't give her the space that she needed. I miss her dearly so finding out about Ethan having Down syndrome was just the iceing on the cake. It started out what would be a downward spiral for me. I will never forget the day that I got the phone call. "we got the results of your amnio and unfortunaly your baby has Down syndrome. Any questions?" I felt like my baby had just been given a death sentance. Here I was 18 weeks pregnant, and just starting to feel the baby move and I was being offered the chance to terminate my pregnancy. I have never been one for abortion but I won't lie when I say the thought crossed my mind. I was not even ready for another child and then to find out that he wasn't going to be born "normal" How was I supposed to handle that. How would I raise my other children so that this baby would not be a burden to them. Why was this even happening to me? I spent the next few months feeling sorry for myself. I read what I could without worring myself too much. I spent a lot of time crying and wishing I could redo some things from the past. I had a hard time sleeping and just feeling happy. I was depressed. The day before my scheduled c-section I had the cry of my life. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to love this baby. Worried that I wouldn't want to hold him and worried that I would feel detached from him like I had been during my pregnancy. I had my c-section and the instant I saw my beautiful boy my life changed again. This time for the better. Ethan is now 5 months old and has brought me more joy than I can even express with words. I look at that little boy and I cry because he has changed me. He has made me a better person. Whenever I am feeling sad, I just look at that little boy and my heart melts and I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Sure my life is a lot busier with therapies and doctor appointments but my life is also more fulfilled having Ethan as a son. Never in my life have I felt so much. I was numbed. Ethan came along and opened me up again. He helped me to feel again. That is a lot for a boy who is only 5 months old. Anyway, I am so happy and I wish that I could pound it in to parents getting a Down syndrome diagnosis that everything will be okay. Well I guess that is enough gushing for me. I need to go kiss my little boy.

Pee Pee Surgery

E-man had his pee-pee surgery yesterday. We had to be at the hospital at 6:30am. He was taken back for surgery at 8am. He was fast asleep in my arms and unaware that anything was going to happen to him. Then the nurse came to get him and take him to the operating room. Putting my little boy on the gurney and seeing him being wheeled away was heartbreaking. I knew the surgery itself was very minor but the thought of him having to be put to sleep made me cry. The surgery took about and hour and a half. Then they came and got me and took me back to his room. He was wheeled back to me a few minutes later. He came back crying so hard that he was snubbing. His eyes were swollen and red and puffy. I felt so bad for my little guy. He was hungry and he wanted to nurse but since he was just coming out of the anesthesia his coordination wasn't completely back yet. He could suck but could not figure out what to do next. It was making him cry even harder. Anyway he eventually got it and calmed down. I took him home about an hour later. He was a very sleepy boy for the rest of the day. Other than that he is doing great. His bandage fell of today but since he is still a little swollen it is hard for me to see his stitches. He is such a little trooper. He is always good for a smile no matter what he has been through. I love him so much! He really is the best thing that ever happened to me.

What a wonderful day!

We got out on the boat today. The weather was warm the water was refreshing and we all had a good time. My mom watched Ethan and we took Dax and Emma with us. We had a nice lunch and the kids were suprisingly well behaved considering they did not have naps today. We got back to the marina just in time though. As we were walking back to our car tornado sirens started going off. As we drove home we saw tree branches falling, trampolines folding in half and power lines smoking. It was so scary. My heart was racing. We made it back safely though and had a nice dinner at my moms house. Not much else happened today. It was a good day. There are only two more days until Ethan has his pee-pee surgery. I am not looking forward to that. My poor little guy.

My new blog

As if I don't already have enough to do I decided to get myself a blog. Since it is 1:00am I will work on this a little later.