When I first found out...

The day I found out that my son was going to be born with Down syndrome is the day that I thought my life was over. I found out over the phone when I was about 17 weeks pregnant. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember waking up and going about my day not expecting anything to go wrong. Then I got the call that changed my life. It was August 10, 2007. The phone rang, it was the perinatologist. I remember that my kids were being exceptionally loud that day and it was hard to hear. But her words were crystal clear. "Amanda, I got the results of your amnio and unfortunately it shows that your little boy does have Down syndrome, of course you do have the option to terminate. Do you have any questions?" Immediately my world went still, I could no longer hear my children in the back round all I heard in my head were the words Down syndrome, Down syndrome, Down syndrome. The room started to spin and I felt sick. This had to be a mistake. I was only 25 years old. The only thing I could manage to mutter to the perinatoligest was "how accurate are the results?" She then said "it is 100 percent accurate." I hung up the phone and the tears came. I had never cried so hard in my life. I knew I couldn't be home alone with the kids so I called my husband at work and told him the news. I don't know how I got the words out clearly enough for him to understand me. He kept reassuring me that it would be okay and that we could handle this. No I told him, it would not be okay. I did not want a child with Down syndrome. I hung up the phone and through my tears, managed to make a few other calls. I went to my bed and cried. I cried until I had no tears left. I cried until I passed out. When I woke up a short time later, I started to research Down syndrome on the Internet. I was at least relieved to find out that people with Down syndrome can live a lot longer than I had expected. But there was a lot of scary information out there. I couldn't bear to look at all of this information. I went into survival mode.

I wish I could say that I immediately accepted it and that the rest of my pregnancy was a piece of cake. That just isn't true. Although eventually, I just couldn't cry anymore, I still hurt and I still grieved. I put on the best happy face I could manage but deep down I was hurting. I could not buy anything for this baby because I wasn't sure that I could even love him. I could not put my hand to my belly because I was sure that I was going to give birth to a monster. I briefly thought about the thought of termination but it just was not the right decision for me.

Luckily, I had an amazing doctor who put me in touch with FEDS. I don't know what I would have done without them. I also met another young pregnant mother and we quickly became friends. She was a great support for me. Everything I was going through she had also gone through. I started to realize that my feelings were normal and I started to feel a little less guilty. Before I knew it, it was time for my son to come. I had another good cry still scared about whether I really could love him.

Everyone goes through a certain amount of grieving but eventually they come to terms with the diagnosis. Everyone accepts it at their own pace. For me it was the moment I laid eyes on my beautiful son. I knew then that everything was going to be okay. I stared at that little fuzzy haired boy and instead of wondering if I could ever love him I instead wondered how it was possible to love someone so much.